Please don't read into this anymore than ranting- trying to find an escape from pure nervousness in the short, short days leading up to my surgery... The nervousness I keep feeling is just driving me batty- and I had to find some way of channeling it, before it consumed what little is left of my sanity...
My thoughts twist and turn about- around and around... Sliding from the improbable to the impossible to the very likely to the terrifying... And back again. Thoughts intensified by my extreme exhaustion. Amplified terror, caused by the possible realities that exist. And excessive thinking- even by my standards, due to the effects the heavy medications I am taking. No rest for the weary. No sleep in sight- slumber eludes me- no matter how I attempt to coax it from hiding. If it is at all possible to actually catch a few winks, terrifying dreams plague my semi-benumbed brain, and in turn, send me- screaming- into a state of consciousness again... A vicious circle never-ending... My thoughts and actions having been on auto-loop for over a year and a half... The original copy is getting old, marred and unreadable... It's getting difficult to remember how things once were... A distant memory of times better spent...
I keep trying to convince myself that I have made the correct decision... To go ahead and have this set of procedures done. It isn't required, but the end results can only be positive- compared with where I am now... It seems that convincing everyone else was the easy part. Convincing myself, and easing my own fears is harder than ever imagined... And I find myself questioning myself every hour of every day...
Are the risks worth it...?
I have managed to discuss the particulars with everyone with any questions- from my dad and step-mom, who weren't so keen on surgery, even as an option- but once I explained the results of the MRI and expected results of the procedures- are far more than supportive; to my mother- who has had a semi-similar procedure and thinks that I am going to have similar problems afterwards- like she did; to my co-workers who were keen on the idea of me feeling better; to one of the doctors I work with, who has had similar problems- and literally just came back from having the same procedure- only slightly higher in the spine; to my eleven year-old sister- who is terrified that they are "going to mess up on me like they did on mom".
I can explain the procedure- laminotomy at L4-5, Bilateral Laminotomy at L3-4 with possible Laminectomy, foraminotomy at both L3-4 and L4-5, (http://www.spineuniverse.com/displayarticle.php/article554.html). Basically, they are going to cut and maneuver their way through my back (skin, fat and muscles) to my spine; drill a small hole at L4-5, remove all the herniated material from the disk, and shave the bone down near where the nerve exits the spinal column; and repeat the same procedure at L3-4, perhaps with having to remove part of the bone to get to all of the herniated material (far worse at this disc), and shaving the bone on both sides; close wound; wake me up; and hope and pray for the best possible outcome...
What has caused the need for this... The process of the doctor making a determination of need... The required aftercare... And even my reasoning for deciding to go through with this... All of this I can explain, logically and rationalize in my head... Yet unadulterated fear still grips me- tightly within its claws. And I cannot settle these somewhat illogical fears that stream through my head. I don't understand why they are seeping into every thought, every crevice within my brain. All of which frustrates and irritates every last cell in my body. Not being in complete and utter control of my own thoughts and actions aggravates me, makes me doubt my core fundamentals, and petrifies me.
Why can I not see, and accept, that this procedure is a possible way out of the pain-induced hell that has been my life for the past year and a half? Do I not deserve to be free from constant agony; the searing pain that tears through my lower back, and races, unimpeded down my left hip and leg- stopping only once it has reached the ground, then bounces back up what is left of my nerves, only to repeat the circuit once it has reached my lower back again... The muscle spasms that rack my beaten body and cause my eyes to release pent up tears, have a chance of disappearing... Ceasing... Why is my head fighting this possibility of freedom from such physical torment..? I just don't understand...
