The corners of my lips are upturned ever so slightly... although they feel stitched into place.  A smile so fake and insincere. The weight of the world tugs them ever lower...  An aching, empty heart plagued by constant uneasiness is reflected in the dull green of my eyes. The rich, vibrant color they once were... the playfulness and mischief, are long gone... Only to be replaced by utter distrust and loneliness. The true caring, determination and belief in all things better, being beaten and changed by time. Foolishness to believe such things...
Where has that sweetness disappeared to? Why is there no more certainty in my thoughts?
I am naught but a broken woman.
Incapable of so much, it seems.
A shattered soul.

Ugh

Why is it that I have to be the bigger person? I don't give you back handed compliments. I try to always be positive with you. I don't rain on your parade. I purposely don't engage you in topics I know will cause an argument. I've forgiven bad behavior. I've let go of hurt feelings. I have overlooked selfish attitudes and rude comments. A thousand forced smiles... a hundred and one bitten tongues.
...And yet,  I am the one who should be the bigger person. The one who should make more allowances for your poor behavior...
...and you wonder why I simply no longer care to engage.

Brightly colored green pokes up between the gravel. Weeds and grass are slowly reclaiming the tracks through the forest floor. Gleaming steel of the tracks has long since paled and dulled... matching the color of the earth around. Hiding a path that once was. A path to somewhere new- a second chance at a new start... Hope... A path home, after being gone for far too long... Comfort returned... The once strong and steady wheels that carried those folks on their journey,  have slowed,  then stopped and hardened into place. Never to move again. The red rust makes sure of that. The carriages- once cozy and grand- are now naught but a skeleton. The grandeur scavenged, and a shell of what once was,  left to crumble under nature's wrath.  Faded memories of the past.

Random thought

Just a bit of rambling as the issue popped up today...
Working in a (mainly) geriatric practice can definitely have it's ups and downs.
And having worked here as long as I have, you tend to become familiar with patients you see year after year....
You deal with people who are not in the best health, and thereby being in the the best of moods.
You lose patients on a weekly basis.
You see people "decline" due to age related medical problems...  Including dementia and Alzheimers...
. . .
Had a patient come in today, whom we've been seeing on a yearly basis almost as long as I have been here...  A wonderful lady...  Her outlook on life so positive.  Her attitude ever pleasant...  Just a few years beyond her early retirement...  Barely 60...  And dealing with MS.  All of the problems this debilitating disease cause...  All of the ways it is quickly, and harshly effecting her life...  When she should be enjoying her "Golden Years" with her newly retired husband...  (and watching as every 6 months or more she comes in and you can tell how the disease has progressed)  And even more amazed at what a bright person she continues to be despite all of her aches, her pains, her frustrations... 
We should all aspire to live life so fearlessly, and to enjoy what has been given to us~ because you never know when that special gift, that is life, will be taken away...

Thought...

Human thought and action never ceases to amaze me.


The capacity of the heart to love and give, and to whom we love and give is never ending and truly an enigma... There is the group that I may have only known a short while but have felt like I've known forever... They keep me on my toes and remind me that laughter is often the best medicine. There are those that I have known forever, some even a lifetime, and still discover new things about them all the time; they are the ones that challenge me to be a better me, remind me of who I am when I seem to forget, stand by my side through thick and thin, try to protect my heart and love me unconditionally... They are the ones I would drop everything for, rearrange my schedule for an important (or even semi-important) event~ if it is important to them, it is important to me... The selfless acts that come from that love is never ending and always more than rewarding. An infinite chain of caring, understanding, nuturing love with which makes a heart sing, a relationship grow, and make me an ever better person...

And then there are those that I know ~ whether a week or a lifetime be, that I shall never understand. Those who's lives are not pliable enough to take in the infinite opportunities afforded to them. The ones who put up a front, strictly for show. Time and again they miss life and those who want them in it... Too blind to others to see the hurt they cause... While others would kill for similar opportunites, to have even an ounce of of possible happiness that is sure to bring...

Why, oh why, are such precious times wasted on the insignificant?  The once in a lifetime events, where precious memories are made, placed by the wayside...  So truly sad...