Please don't read into this anymore than ranting- trying to find an escape from pure nervousness in the short, short days leading up to my surgery... The nervousness I keep feeling is just driving me batty- and I had to find some way of channeling it, before it consumed what little is left of my sanity...
My thoughts twist and turn about- around and around... Sliding from the improbable to the impossible to the very likely to the terrifying... And back again. Thoughts intensified by my extreme exhaustion. Amplified terror, caused by the possible realities that exist. And excessive thinking- even by my standards, due to the effects the heavy medications I am taking. No rest for the weary. No sleep in sight- slumber eludes me- no matter how I attempt to coax it from hiding. If it is at all possible to actually catch a few winks, terrifying dreams plague my semi-benumbed brain, and in turn, send me- screaming- into a state of consciousness again... A vicious circle never-ending... My thoughts and actions having been on auto-loop for over a year and a half... The original copy is getting old, marred and unreadable... It's getting difficult to remember how things once were... A distant memory of times better spent...
I keep trying to convince myself that I have made the correct decision... To go ahead and have this set of procedures done. It isn't required, but the end results can only be positive- compared with where I am now... It seems that convincing everyone else was the easy part. Convincing myself, and easing my own fears is harder than ever imagined... And I find myself questioning myself every hour of every day...
Are the risks worth it...?
I have managed to discuss the particulars with everyone with any questions- from my dad and step-mom, who weren't so keen on surgery, even as an option- but once I explained the results of the MRI and expected results of the procedures- are far more than supportive; to my mother- who has had a semi-similar procedure and thinks that I am going to have similar problems afterwards- like she did; to my co-workers who were keen on the idea of me feeling better; to one of the doctors I work with, who has had similar problems- and literally just came back from having the same procedure- only slightly higher in the spine; to my eleven year-old sister- who is terrified that they are "going to mess up on me like they did on mom".
I can explain the procedure- laminotomy at L4-5, Bilateral Laminotomy at L3-4 with possible Laminectomy, foraminotomy at both L3-4 and L4-5, (http://www.spineuniverse.com/displayarticle.php/article554.html). Basically, they are going to cut and maneuver their way through my back (skin, fat and muscles) to my spine; drill a small hole at L4-5, remove all the herniated material from the disk, and shave the bone down near where the nerve exits the spinal column; and repeat the same procedure at L3-4, perhaps with having to remove part of the bone to get to all of the herniated material (far worse at this disc), and shaving the bone on both sides; close wound; wake me up; and hope and pray for the best possible outcome...
What has caused the need for this... The process of the doctor making a determination of need... The required aftercare... And even my reasoning for deciding to go through with this... All of this I can explain, logically and rationalize in my head... Yet unadulterated fear still grips me- tightly within its claws. And I cannot settle these somewhat illogical fears that stream through my head. I don't understand why they are seeping into every thought, every crevice within my brain. All of which frustrates and irritates every last cell in my body. Not being in complete and utter control of my own thoughts and actions aggravates me, makes me doubt my core fundamentals, and petrifies me.
Why can I not see, and accept, that this procedure is a possible way out of the pain-induced hell that has been my life for the past year and a half? Do I not deserve to be free from constant agony; the searing pain that tears through my lower back, and races, unimpeded down my left hip and leg- stopping only once it has reached the ground, then bounces back up what is left of my nerves, only to repeat the circuit once it has reached my lower back again... The muscle spasms that rack my beaten body and cause my eyes to release pent up tears, have a chance of disappearing... Ceasing... Why is my head fighting this possibility of freedom from such physical torment..? I just don't understand...
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
What makes me tick....
Someone once asked me what makes me tick. I get easily irritated by many things... Usually I can keep my temper in check... But there are a few things that really irritate me, and one that just leaves me unhinged...
The definition of entitled is to give a person a title, right, or claim to something: His executive position entitled him to certain courtesies rarely accorded others. Entitled: to be privileged, honored, privy to, indulged.
Too many people have this asinine sense of entitlement. They think that they have a right to certain privileges, items and opportunities that the general population isn't typically allowed- at the expense of those around them.
Two incidents have sparked this current rant of mine.
The first are certain patients at work. Specifically, a few Medi-Cal patients. I am not irritated with all Medi-Cal patients in general. I am very thankful that those programs exist for people who NEED it. They give medical care to people who have lost their job, single parents who can't quite make ends meet, foster children, just to name a few groups of people this tax-payer, government funded program aids... I AM highly irritated by the people on this program that feel they are entitled to things that are above and beyond "typical" coverage.
A short synopsis of where I work, to better understand... I work in an optometry office in a retirement area. There are smaller communities nearby with younger families, as well. We have patients of all income levels, all walks of life. Because of government overspending and budget problems, providers that take the program, who only get paid a very small percentage of their usual fees to start with, are now having to accept another decrease in their payments. No problems so far- we don't have issues seeing these patients- who for the most part, are thankful they have any coverage at all. BUT... We have patients come into our office annoyed and angry that Medi-Cal doesn't cover designer frames and upgraded eyeglass lenses. The Medi-Cal program covers the bare minimum. You have to have a certain strength of prescription before they will even consider covering the glasses; the coverage is every two years; they only cover certain frames; they cover basic lenses- no tints, no coatings, no specialty lenses; and they take awhile to come back to us- glasses for Medi-Cal patients are made by the California State Prisons system- and our county specifically by Valley State Prison for Women- Chowchilla. Yes- prisoners make the glasses- and they actually do a pretty good job. They do take awhile to be made though, because of all the security it has to go through- typical turn-around time- three weeks. And heaven forbid if their is a security problem- i.e. LOCKDOWN, at the prison- because it takes even longer. Anyways- I digress... We have certain patients who are on the Medi-Cal program, that do nothing but complain about everything. It just annoys me that these people have the nerve to complain about things that are FREE to them. That they feel entitled to those things that most people have to work their butts off to pay for! UGH!
The second part of the rant- includes people who feel they are entitled to certain privileges COMBINED with inhumane treatment of other people- specifically family members. There are very few things that I believe people are entitled, or have rights to... The basic principles this country is founded upon, is about it.
Am done whining and complaining about people's false sense of entitlement. It does no good- and as much as one can try- people with attitudes like this cannot be changed... They can be ignored though... So, guess what, all you people in my life that have an outrageously false sense of entitlement- I am ignoring you.
The definition of entitled is to give a person a title, right, or claim to something: His executive position entitled him to certain courtesies rarely accorded others. Entitled: to be privileged, honored, privy to, indulged.
Too many people have this asinine sense of entitlement. They think that they have a right to certain privileges, items and opportunities that the general population isn't typically allowed- at the expense of those around them.
Two incidents have sparked this current rant of mine.
The first are certain patients at work. Specifically, a few Medi-Cal patients. I am not irritated with all Medi-Cal patients in general. I am very thankful that those programs exist for people who NEED it. They give medical care to people who have lost their job, single parents who can't quite make ends meet, foster children, just to name a few groups of people this tax-payer, government funded program aids... I AM highly irritated by the people on this program that feel they are entitled to things that are above and beyond "typical" coverage.
A short synopsis of where I work, to better understand... I work in an optometry office in a retirement area. There are smaller communities nearby with younger families, as well. We have patients of all income levels, all walks of life. Because of government overspending and budget problems, providers that take the program, who only get paid a very small percentage of their usual fees to start with, are now having to accept another decrease in their payments. No problems so far- we don't have issues seeing these patients- who for the most part, are thankful they have any coverage at all. BUT... We have patients come into our office annoyed and angry that Medi-Cal doesn't cover designer frames and upgraded eyeglass lenses. The Medi-Cal program covers the bare minimum. You have to have a certain strength of prescription before they will even consider covering the glasses; the coverage is every two years; they only cover certain frames; they cover basic lenses- no tints, no coatings, no specialty lenses; and they take awhile to come back to us- glasses for Medi-Cal patients are made by the California State Prisons system- and our county specifically by Valley State Prison for Women- Chowchilla. Yes- prisoners make the glasses- and they actually do a pretty good job. They do take awhile to be made though, because of all the security it has to go through- typical turn-around time- three weeks. And heaven forbid if their is a security problem- i.e. LOCKDOWN, at the prison- because it takes even longer. Anyways- I digress... We have certain patients who are on the Medi-Cal program, that do nothing but complain about everything. It just annoys me that these people have the nerve to complain about things that are FREE to them. That they feel entitled to those things that most people have to work their butts off to pay for! UGH!
The second part of the rant- includes people who feel they are entitled to certain privileges COMBINED with inhumane treatment of other people- specifically family members. There are very few things that I believe people are entitled, or have rights to... The basic principles this country is founded upon, is about it.
I believe nobody is ENTITLED to anything more than that. If you want more- you need to work hard and earn it yourself. Nothing is handed to you on a silver platter- nor a golden one either. If you want an elevated status amongst your peers- you must earn it. If you want nicer things in life, you need to work hard, make some money and earn it."We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."
The level by with which you are treated needs to earned as well. In my eyes, each person is automatically given a level of respect when I first meet them. The way they handle themselves and relate to me from there on out- dictates the amount of trust, and respect I have for them. And most people are the same way. You are granted a neutral stance, and you can either go up or down from there. Trust must be earned, and can be quickly lost. Even family members fall into this category. You treat another family member poorly- you don't DESERVE, and are not entitled to be treated fairly. Civily- yes, in most cases. But in no way, shape or form are you entitled to treatment similar to someone who treats you well- whether your title is mom or dad, or the person you see daily at the post office.
While I am on this current rant- a mention that no family member is entitled to any form of gift, be it monetary, time, or items. And I am not meaning gifts in general- although that is part of it- I am meaning above and beyond the normal. Someone has some extra cash- you are not entitled to it. Someone has an extra ticket to a game- you are not entitled to it. Someone has an extra plane ticket- guess what- you aren't entitled to it. You are not entitled to such things from a parent. You are not entitled to such things from a sibling. You are not entitled to such things from a spouse. And especially not from a child- no matter what age that child may be.
Am done whining and complaining about people's false sense of entitlement. It does no good- and as much as one can try- people with attitudes like this cannot be changed... They can be ignored though... So, guess what, all you people in my life that have an outrageously false sense of entitlement- I am ignoring you.
Childish- most definitely- But- oh well- I am entitled to it (wink)...
Monday, March 9, 2009
What...?
What do you do when a friend is hurting...? When their whole life seems to be falling apart and you don't have all or any of the details...? No answers to who... Where... What... How... When... or why... You have no idea how to proceed, how to advise... They are too far away to just take them in your arms and hold them close and hope some simple kindness and the touch of another person- a friend, someone with their best interests at heart- will ease some of their angst... Stress eats at their soul... Odd behavior from friends devours their heart and last shreds of sanity... What do you do? Poetic words have no effect. Brutal honesty does nothing. Reassurance and logical advice- hardly make a scratch in their spiraling world... Nothing makes sense... Any logical answers don't fit into place. Everything is inside out and backwards... Nothing makes sense...
It is their role to find their own way in life... To find their destiny... But a friendly person to walk beside and keep you company- should never be turned away... How can you be that friendly person- and walk that tightrope- that fine line- alongside the person- all whilst blindfolded? Scared to death to lean too far one way or the other- as you might fall- causing that friend of yours to topple from their rope... Terrified to cause them anymore pain and suffering...
What, oh what, do you do...?
It is their role to find their own way in life... To find their destiny... But a friendly person to walk beside and keep you company- should never be turned away... How can you be that friendly person- and walk that tightrope- that fine line- alongside the person- all whilst blindfolded? Scared to death to lean too far one way or the other- as you might fall- causing that friend of yours to topple from their rope... Terrified to cause them anymore pain and suffering...
What, oh what, do you do...?
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Please Please BLOG!
I was told I need to BLOG...
Haven't a clue what to blog about- so need some suggestions...
Please...
Haven't a clue what to blog about- so need some suggestions...
Please...
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Untitled
Tears trickle down my sad, sad face...
Sweet memories, I can't erase...
Feeling lost, and all alone...
Thinking about, how much my girls have grown...
A loss, a hurt no time can mend...
No advice, can you send...
You went and left me without an ear...
No way for you to listen, to ease my fear...
I promise, I won't continue to be sad...
It's just that, right now, I need my dad...
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