Brightly colored green pokes up between the gravel. Weeds and grass are slowly reclaiming the tracks through the forest floor. Gleaming steel of the tracks has long since paled and dulled... matching the color of the earth around. Hiding a path that once was. A path to somewhere new- a second chance at a new start... Hope... A path home, after being gone for far too long... Comfort returned... The once strong and steady wheels that carried those folks on their journey,  have slowed,  then stopped and hardened into place. Never to move again. The red rust makes sure of that. The carriages- once cozy and grand- are now naught but a skeleton. The grandeur scavenged, and a shell of what once was,  left to crumble under nature's wrath.  Faded memories of the past.

Random thought

Just a bit of rambling as the issue popped up today...
Working in a (mainly) geriatric practice can definitely have it's ups and downs.
And having worked here as long as I have, you tend to become familiar with patients you see year after year....
You deal with people who are not in the best health, and thereby being in the the best of moods.
You lose patients on a weekly basis.
You see people "decline" due to age related medical problems...  Including dementia and Alzheimers...
. . .
Had a patient come in today, whom we've been seeing on a yearly basis almost as long as I have been here...  A wonderful lady...  Her outlook on life so positive.  Her attitude ever pleasant...  Just a few years beyond her early retirement...  Barely 60...  And dealing with MS.  All of the problems this debilitating disease cause...  All of the ways it is quickly, and harshly effecting her life...  When she should be enjoying her "Golden Years" with her newly retired husband...  (and watching as every 6 months or more she comes in and you can tell how the disease has progressed)  And even more amazed at what a bright person she continues to be despite all of her aches, her pains, her frustrations... 
We should all aspire to live life so fearlessly, and to enjoy what has been given to us~ because you never know when that special gift, that is life, will be taken away...

Thought...

Human thought and action never ceases to amaze me.


The capacity of the heart to love and give, and to whom we love and give is never ending and truly an enigma... There is the group that I may have only known a short while but have felt like I've known forever... They keep me on my toes and remind me that laughter is often the best medicine. There are those that I have known forever, some even a lifetime, and still discover new things about them all the time; they are the ones that challenge me to be a better me, remind me of who I am when I seem to forget, stand by my side through thick and thin, try to protect my heart and love me unconditionally... They are the ones I would drop everything for, rearrange my schedule for an important (or even semi-important) event~ if it is important to them, it is important to me... The selfless acts that come from that love is never ending and always more than rewarding. An infinite chain of caring, understanding, nuturing love with which makes a heart sing, a relationship grow, and make me an ever better person...

And then there are those that I know ~ whether a week or a lifetime be, that I shall never understand. Those who's lives are not pliable enough to take in the infinite opportunities afforded to them. The ones who put up a front, strictly for show. Time and again they miss life and those who want them in it... Too blind to others to see the hurt they cause... While others would kill for similar opportunites, to have even an ounce of of possible happiness that is sure to bring...

Why, oh why, are such precious times wasted on the insignificant?  The once in a lifetime events, where precious memories are made, placed by the wayside...  So truly sad...

What is...

One of my friends posed a question on one of the popular social networking sites... And it really got me thinking...

"What is love?"

A simple question- you would think. But as I was formulating my answer, the answer becomes so complex, I realize I may never be able to actually answer- coherently, anyways...

So, my attempt at answering such an innocent, yet profound question is as follows...

Love cannot be described in a word, nor a single sentence. In fact- I could try a lifetime to try to describe it, and never fully be able to convey the depth and meaning of this tiny little four letter word.

Love is a feeling, an action, and ideal...

It is visible in the amount of energy and zest with which we approach life, the way we interact with our family and friends, and even complete strangers.

Love is demonstrated in our willingness to care about what is going on in the world around us, our willingness to become involved in each others lives, our willingness to take control of our own life.

Love is caring, wanting, respecting, honoring, trusting. Feeling safe... Seeing a special treasure in what you have (whether physical, theoretical or emotionally)... Innocence... It is the ability to just let go. To be at peace...

Whether you are relating to a thing, a place, an idea, or another person- love is all of these things combined and ever so much more... Love is unexplicable... Love- is completely amazing, complex, and uncomparable to anything in this world...

A possible way out?

Please don't read into this anymore than ranting- trying to find an escape from pure nervousness in the short, short days leading up to my surgery... The nervousness I keep feeling is just driving me batty- and I had to find some way of channeling it, before it consumed what little is left of my sanity...



My thoughts twist and turn about- around and around... Sliding from the improbable to the impossible to the very likely to the terrifying... And back again. Thoughts intensified by my extreme exhaustion. Amplified terror, caused by the possible realities that exist. And excessive thinking- even by my standards, due to the effects the heavy medications I am taking. No rest for the weary. No sleep in sight- slumber eludes me- no matter how I attempt to coax it from hiding. If it is at all possible to actually catch a few winks, terrifying dreams plague my semi-benumbed brain, and in turn, send me- screaming- into a state of consciousness again... A vicious circle never-ending... My thoughts and actions having been on auto-loop for over a year and a half... The original copy is getting old, marred and unreadable... It's getting difficult to remember how things once were... A distant memory of times better spent...



I keep trying to convince myself that I have made the correct decision... To go ahead and have this set of procedures done. It isn't required, but the end results can only be positive- compared with where I am now... It seems that convincing everyone else was the easy part. Convincing myself, and easing my own fears is harder than ever imagined... And I find myself questioning myself every hour of every day...

Are the risks worth it...?

I have managed to discuss the particulars with everyone with any questions- from my dad and step-mom, who weren't so keen on surgery, even as an option- but once I explained the results of the MRI and expected results of the procedures- are far more than supportive; to my mother- who has had a semi-similar procedure and thinks that I am going to have similar problems afterwards- like she did; to my co-workers who were keen on the idea of me feeling better; to one of the doctors I work with, who has had similar problems- and literally just came back from having the same procedure- only slightly higher in the spine; to my eleven year-old sister- who is terrified that they are "going to mess up on me like they did on mom".

I can explain the procedure- laminotomy at L4-5, Bilateral Laminotomy at L3-4 with possible Laminectomy, foraminotomy at both L3-4 and L4-5, (http://www.spineuniverse.com/displayarticle.php/article554.html). Basically, they are going to cut and maneuver their way through my back (skin, fat and muscles) to my spine; drill a small hole at L4-5, remove all the herniated material from the disk, and shave the bone down near where the nerve exits the spinal column; and repeat the same procedure at L3-4, perhaps with having to remove part of the bone to get to all of the herniated material (far worse at this disc), and shaving the bone on both sides; close wound; wake me up; and hope and pray for the best possible outcome...

What has caused the need for this... The process of the doctor making a determination of need... The required aftercare... And even my reasoning for deciding to go through with this... All of this I can explain, logically and rationalize in my head... Yet unadulterated fear still grips me- tightly within its claws. And I cannot settle these somewhat illogical fears that stream through my head. I don't understand why they are seeping into every thought, every crevice within my brain. All of which frustrates and irritates every last cell in my body. Not being in complete and utter control of my own thoughts and actions aggravates me, makes me doubt my core fundamentals, and petrifies me.
Why can I not see, and accept, that this procedure is a possible way out of the pain-induced hell that has been my life for the past year and a half? Do I not deserve to be free from constant agony; the searing pain that tears through my lower back, and races, unimpeded down my left hip and leg- stopping only once it has reached the ground, then bounces back up what is left of my nerves, only to repeat the circuit once it has reached my lower back again... The muscle spasms that rack my beaten body and cause my eyes to release pent up tears, have a chance of disappearing... Ceasing... Why is my head fighting this possibility of freedom from such physical torment..? I just don't understand...